The One True Eggman
by Wario the TableMan
Summary: This is a brilliant composition comprised of the deep appreciation I have for the greatest VA of all time. His name is Mike Pollock and he is an amazing person. My praise may sound exaggerated, but I assure you, it is true!


Yo! So once upon a glorious, awesome, righteous, superb day in the world of coolness, there was this guy and he was the best around, my dudes. His name? None other than the culmination of all the world's wonders. It was Mike Pollock himself. In the flesh? Yes. You can count on his awesomeness just breaking the barriers of reality and fiction. He's just so cool and one of the best voice actors ever.

Here's another thing about Mike, my dudes. He really has this awesome power. He developed such a grand voice. It is kid of what he sounds like, but with a tidbit of exaggeration added to make the most bustling and somewhat sinister vocal performance that you must experience. If you don't experience Mike's spectacular speaking prowess, then you may as well clip your wings and live in a mud hut all your life. Mike's voice is incredible. He can really just get the character to make a booming appearance every time. Like, every syllable is a gift from the heavens and his control over the recognition of his own peeps he is playing is beyond righteous. If there's one guy, I'd like to meet irl, it's Mike.

Mike has that flavor, you know? His voice acting is so good, you can almost taste it. It's like the perfect ingredient to chilling out at the tube while wolfing down those groovy Totino's Stuffed Nachos. You hear his voice and you're like "YEAH!" You hear it from every angle with your stereo system blasting into your soul and making you feel like "YEAH-YAH!" You're only just experiencing the power, but you have to admit that nothing could be better.

Or could it?

Yo, those Totino's Stuffed Nachos tho.

I'm telling ya'll, Mike is the best. He has the voice. He has the control of the voice that so righteously bursts into thousands of explosions of red-hot fire. It's like he's blasting your eardrums with the smoothest soul solo ever while rocking your heart to the core with sweet 80's jams. Speaking of which, Mike should totes fill in for Johnny of Crush 40 sometime. He would be all like: "OH-HO-HO-HO-HOOO! A-A-Awful Days!" I would cry if this happened because this would make all my dreams come true. I would love to hear Mike Pollock sing these righteous tunes. He has sung some pretty spectacular pieces before, so I hope he can give us the sweetest Crush 40 karaoke someday. I'll be waiting and expecting pure greatness.

Aside from that voice, Mike is also one of the coolest dudes ever. His shirt is the hot salsa that keeps the entire Sonic series together. Move over Roger Craig Smith! You may play the coolest hedgehog in town, but your amigo Mike Pollock has invented fashion. If you look up "fashion" in the dictionary, you'll see Mike and his purple shirt. That shirt!

That shirt!

Oh my! That shirt is muy bien! It rocks the souls of thousands, my dudes! Mike has this wicked purple shirt that not only looks amazing, but looks super comfy. I would buy that shirt for myself and say "Mike Pollock changed my life solely because this shirt oozes my soul." My heart and soul are getting so powered up by the wonders of Mike and the gift he gave the fashion community. I don't care about those runway shows or anything Kim K tells people to do and don't. All that matters to me is that the best VA in the world wore a spiffy, righteous purple shirt and it made me feel empowered. Somebody just give Mike a check for a million big ones right now! Mike is so impressive with his fashionable prowess that you're in denial if you think it can get any better. Mike's got you covered. Buy that shirt because Mike is the true savior of today's fashion.

Don't just say you gotta buy a North Face in order to fit in with the cool kids. Those filthy products of society don't know Mike Pollock. They don't understand that awesome purple shirts are the best thing since torn with your hands bread! You just need to believe in the power Mike has blessed and bestowed upon the fashion world. Mike is one of, if not, THE greatest influences of fashion to have come out in the past millennium and we should all deeply appreciate everything he has done for the community.

Now back to Mike's voice. That voice is fire. And if you're reading this, then you know how epic his cords are, baby. That awesome mix of raspy sinister and considerate wisdom comes together to produce the most lovely auditory pleasures since the beginning of time itself. Mike can do amazing things and his talents are innumerable. Thank him for his gift to humanity or forever remain lost in the darkness of dull, meaningless existence. Mike is the greatness that allows everyone to be great.

His air is awesome too. His hair is so very righteous and it makes the world go 'round. His hair is flatish, but compels the observer to be wary of just how beautiful the scalpal garden is. It doesn't matter if your hair is long, short, curly, blonde, purple, or chicken-shaped. Mike wore it better and always will. Yes, his hair is so great, it could probably stop meteors from colliding with the earth. To this day, scientists are continuously looking at Mike Pollock's hair and saying to themselves that they really love his hair. They say his hair is just as heroic as every other part of him. Mike is infinitely heroic, so it is not difficult to see just how strong he truly is.

Mike is not to be taken down by any opposing forces. His strength against stationary is unmatched as he screams his power so hard it can break the sound barrier! The stationary then runs and hides from Mike since he is the most incredible individual on the planet, and quite possibly the universe.

When Mike dons his most amazing mustache of glory and truth, he is able to perform the most righteous of deeds to preserve humanity. This includes the devouring of meat from pigs that happen to be spoon fed to him by his own mechanical creations. The pig he eats is of the deadly and unjust type. Mike Pollock laughs in the face of danger and takes down this foul cretin bite by bite. He thoroughly savors the process of single-handedly stopping such vile acts in their tracks. Mike Pollock is the true hero and the light that shines in the darkness. Fear not! Mike will save anyone from these unrighteous fellows and bring upon the restoration of freedom and peace.

In addition to the power Mike exudes from his mustached alias, he can also further extend his virtuous strength through his amphibious qualities. He becomes all the more wiser as he chases down papier mache hedgehogs and brings them to justice. Mike uses all of the tactics that any strong, powerful genius would. Unfortunately, the hedgehog escapes many times, but Mike keeps on persisting. Due to Mike's amazing power and brilliant energy, it is most certain he will eventually succeed in the future and prove to the world that all papier mache is responsible for amusing others, thus supporting a stable society in which law is kept in order.

But when Mike becomes the mayor of many mushroom-like entities, he must remember to remain just as virtuous as always. There lies a wicked penguin king to the north of his town. Mayor Mike has the power to save everyone with the aid of pink marshmallows that can put an end to the king's manic monarchy. Mayor Mike will always be a hero and win races with the help of the townspeople. He also has the aid of a potato person who is the best chef in town. Together they save everyone from the terrifying chaos the king issues in the form of interstellar beasts.

And when Mike isn't doing all of these things, he's talking about all of the most delicious treats that can be made using a glorious oven. The oven has the power to make dreams come true, which is what Mike is best known for. Using the power Mike has endowed this magnificent hybrid of creativity and pure energy, one can prepare only the most optimal and delicious batch of Totino's Stuffed Nachos to ever walk the earth. Each one tasting just as good as the ambiance of the laughter of children mixed with puppies, bunnies, and unicorns. Mike has the power to reassure all people that the greatness will save them from terror. This is because everything that comes out of the oven is deemed "yummy" by the big man himself. Mike is truly compassionate for the heroic deeds that must be enacted in order to solidify order within our reality.

In conclusion, Mike Pollock is the greatest thing to ever happen in the universe. He is both the most spectacular VA to ever live and he is also the greatest form of fashion since the beginning of time. Mike has many forms of justice and has the hair and mustache to prove it. Without Mike, the world would not be the same as it has come to be. Mike is the one who has saved all folks from a horrible fate of unending woe and desolation. Mike is the one who has donned the purple shirt, blessed all of humanity with his voice, and continues to this very day to shine brightly for all and administer only the most heroic deeds ever to be accomplished solely by the individual.

Mike Pollock, you truly are the best.


End file.
